In the past year

Finally this year is coming to an end. And now is time for a sigh of relief. FINALLY 2011 has ended! WOOO! Usually by the end of the year I am looking forward to starting fresh and knowing that I will set resolutions that I have no real intentions to stick to.
I felt like this year was full of heart break and sadness. Some of it good and a lot of being bad.
So many people left for missions! Which devastates me in ways that are both joyful and sad. In Feb. 2 of my favorite missionaries left.

Elder Evan Dowden and Sister Lyn Clayton both left in Feb! Which left me mildly heartbroken. By the time Elder Dowden had left to serve his honorable mission in Brazil I had become quite attached to him. He had become one of my best friends. In a way that no other had done before. We hadn't known each other very long or spent a lot of time together but he understood how I worked and how to joke with me. It was an odd friendship that I can not wait until he is back in a year so that I can give him the big hug that I have been waiting to patiently to give him.
And then there is Sister Clayton. Oh how I miss that girl. She is serving out in New York right now but her mission is actually Salt Lake City Temple Square mission. Which is one of the most amazing missions a sister could ever serve in. Today is her birthday in fact. And I miss her to death! She sends the most wonderful responses.
Later in the year Nearly ALL of my Chula Vista girls left to serve missions. Miranda, Kate G., Stephanie G. and a whole bunch more.
And then Stoker left for Texas. Stoker leaving for his mission had to be one of the hardest goodbyes I have ever experienced. I am pretty sure when I got home from saying goodbye I cried for a good amount of time. Stoker was the glue to our group of friends. He was a gift that's for sure. He had this way that made him easy to talk to. Sometimes we had conflicting opinions and views but because of his patience and willingness to compromise we have developed a grand friendship. I miss him so much. He has only been gone a short while but so much has happened since he left. I know he is serving Texas to the best of his ability and beyond that. I just know that he is being thousands of souls to the Gospel and that makes me so happy and proud to say he is a friend of mine.
Before he left we had a "family portrait" and It is one I have framed and look at almost daily. We had such an interesting family. And now Diana is leaving this feb. for Bolivia. And Matthew has started going to a different ward. Sarah goes to the deaf branch with Buggy (or from what I have been told) so Its time for a new family. Which is what I guess I hope I can succeed in getting this new year.
Because of some of the trials I have been through this year I know that family is important. My mom was touch and go these past few months. And after much discussion of what I would do if she were to expire anytime soon I have realized I need to stop being unrealistic and get my act together. Starting with dealing with my depression. (which I have been slacking on.) I was seeing a therapist for some things that had happened when I was younger. And by younger I mean from the time I was 2 until I was about 12 or 13 years old.

Not a lot of people know that I am a survivor of childhood rape. If that's even what you could call it. My dad would molest me and rape me on a near daily basis. And because of this I had a very ... interesting teenage years. I in no way was one of those people who pull away from society. I had an emptiness that needed to be filled. I did things I shouldn't have done. I had lost all my self worth and lied to myself along with everyone I knew and held dear to me. But I had no idea what I was doing was lying. I felt dirty and was ashamed. Up until after my dads death I hadn't told anyone. No one had needed to know. But now that I am dealing with it I feel ashamed that I hadn't felt comfortable enough to tell anyone.

However, now that I have come to terms with things I realize that I am a stronger person because of it.
I don't remember where I heard this analogy but Children are like fine pieces of glass. Our parents sometimes smudge them and chip them, and sometimes they break. But they are still glass. And Where has glue doesn't completely fix the glass it can hold it together well enough that it can be used and not leak. Funny thing about glass is that sometimes the imperfections can make it look beautiful. (take into considerations those gorgeous stained glass windows..)
Anyway, back to topic. Finally this year is coming to an end. Here's to hoping 2012 is not the end of the world, friendships will be strengthened and not broken, loves will be found, happiness will be spread, and that the Gospel will reach the world that so desperately needs it!
I love everyone who has come into my life this past year. It has been a hard one and I appreciate all the slack I have been given. One day you will all realize how much you mean to me.
-Cambria

Frustrations I suppose

I guess I am just frustrated. When someone tells you one thing then you find out the other. As if telling the truth is so hard to do. Especially when they expect you to trust them. And to make matters worst you care so much you don't want to ruin what seems like a good thing.
Family life has been crazy the past 2 months. Mom was in and out of the hospital, and on top of that I have/had some of my sisters friends staying at our house. (their move out date is tomorrow) It has been one of the most stressful times of my life, but I have noticed that the help you want won't always come. And a lot of unwarranted help will come regardless of you accepting it. Not that there is anything wrong with someone wanting to help but when it becomes pushing and added stress I start to resent it. I get the "I can handle it all, leave me alone" attitude. Which is far from what I should be saying.
Then you add in the fact that all you want is a friend to validate your feelings of stress even though they have no idea how to handle any of it, because the stress of what you are going through is beyond your or their years, is a little hard to come by. Everyone has lives and at times you feel like you are being left behind in the dust holding onto what you may never have.
Oh and don't forget you are dealing with traumatic events that happened in your life as a child that you have pushed far back into a corner of your mind. But while you have been stressing over bills, and your sanity, those thoughts and feelings surface in a way that makes you shut down completely.

But then you realize that the things you deal with are just this mountain that you must climb. And when you get to the top you see how beautiful the world really is. All the wonders that you don't see when you stress the small stuff. Heck, when you stress the big stuff the small stuff that are important become impossible to see and you lose the beauty.

Thankfully life does get better eventually.

6 more days

Isn't he just the cutest thing you ever did see? That's what I thought! Haha. 6 more days until he is home. When he first left I figured it wouldn't be too bad. Like a long vacation, or some "time away from each other" It has been far from that! The first few days I would get super ansy around 4:30 when he would normally get off work and head over here. I didn't even realize it until a few days into the week. And then it hit me that I am pathetically addicted to him. So then it was Sunday and my life got hectic. I had distractions, and was beyond stressed so the once a day emails sufficed for the need for contact. Then when the stress level got to one I could handle I realized I hadn't had an email from Dave in a couple of days. Then I got super crazy and needed emails daily. (Yessss I went insane.) Now its 6 days until he is home. And I got to talk to him twice on the phone for about an hour or so each time. It was grand!!! Anyway, 6 more days.
Less than a week. Tuesday, Wednsday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.. AND MONDAY HE IS HOME. hahaah Mehhhh
So all I can think about is Monday night and how awesome it will be to be back together. We are going to watch a movie and eat some food. (probably the pizza he loves so much) and veg. It will be a grand homecoming. I am not quite at the insanity stage of meeting him on the dock. (though one day I am sure it will get to that.)

Other than my extreme countdown life is pretty good. I am realizing that I really have some great support with the people I associate with. Hopefully I give them enough support back.
OH! and It's almost Halloween! This is fast becoming one of my favorite Holidays.
I will probably blog some more in the coming months, and dont worry they wont all be about Dave and how my life sucks when he is gone. (mind you he will be gone again in december to go visit his family and then in feb. to go visit his bestfriend josh.)
I love life. And I am so happy I can finally say that. :)

Confessions of a Complainer

Mehhhh. Honestly, life sucks. And at times I feel I am trying so hard and nothing right is happening. Thankfully I know there is a point to it all.
My mom is in a care center and I know I should be thankful that she has insurance that will cover her being there but at times it seems that the daunting feeling something else is going to go wrong. As soon as she gets home I am afraid she is going to do something to make her condition worse. It's time like these that I am so thankful I have the gospel in my life to help me hold tight to the rod. Also the missionaries that have served in SD and are now home really help because its not awkward to express my angst and fears because they are still in missionary mode.

Meh. So also going on is that Dave, (the boyfriend) is out to sea. He comes home in 12 days! I am beyond jazzed. Being apart gave me time to think about some small things that were bothering, but now I am more secure in what I was thinking and blah blah blah. I am just super happy hes going to be home :) Being apart has sucked. Ontop of my mother's drama it was not fun feeling alone like I have been.
mehhhh. oh well.
I think ill sleep some more. that seems to be in excess. I feel asleep earlier and it was about five hours later that I woke up. Crazy amounts of sleep are not necessarily a good thing. Oh well.

Sweet Dreams

It's funny how our brains work out our problems in our dreams. There have been many a dream that I wake up and have felt relief from the hectic life I have. Sometimes I wake up even more angry with the person than when I went to bed, or I'll wake up super anxious, almost as if the issues didn't solve themselves. But I love the days I wake up and everything seems right in the world. Dreams have a funny way of giving you false hope. But any hope and security is good with me.
The past few nights I have been up late into the wee hours. I don't really get what's going on that I can't sleep. It's like a combination of the temperature of my room, things that are weighing on my mind, knowing that certain people will be on if I am up a little later than normal, and who knows what else. My dreams have been amazing though. Things that I haven't told anyone are popping up and in a way causing me to face those demons. Whereas they aren't the most pleasant dreams, they are helping me build up my happiness.
After having a conversation with my mom on something that happened when I was barely 3 years old made me dream about what happened. When I was about 3 years old my dad was taking my siblings and I to McDonalds or that's where we ended up. I remember my dad ordering a beer through the drive through. We were in a truck that had a bench backseat. We were all still in car seats. David was behind the drivers seat I was in the middle and Stacy was behind the passanger seat. Stacy was wearing a pink and white jumper like outfit. (Its funny the details you remember when everything is so vague.) We pulled forward to the next food and within seconds someone was opening up the truck door. And was asking me if I knew how to unbuckle my seat belt. They had already gotten Stacy out of her carseat and were starting to reach across to me when my dad took off. The next thing I know we are at a gas station and the police are there. My dad is screaming about how they kidnapped Stacy, and was being arrested for DUI. While waiting for my mother to come get us the Police let us play with sirens and gave us teddy bears with white shirts that had red writting on them. I refused to leave my seat but David and Stacy had a blast. During that time I remember seeing a big black cat walking along a fence.

Now this memory is mildly fuzzy but that big black cat I had always attributed to being too young to really know what was going on. But come to find out that the man who lived at the house that the fence was had a mountain lion it all made sense. I wasn't insane! Such sweet happiness comes from knowing your memory wasn't playing tricks on you. I have many odd memories like this one. A lot of them are traumatic and too personal to share, even with my closest friends. But when I sleep and dream of these things I wake up more sure that I am fine and that all this craziness in my life has made me who I am. Quirks and all.
Thankfully, I have friends who understand that the past molds us, but that we can break that mold and be something awesome unlike the world has seen.

Well, its 2:30 in the morning, time for me to dream once more. Geeze, who needs therapy when you can sleep. Some think my love for sleep is a sign of depression... Maybe so... but at least its amazing sleep! <3 br="br">
Love Always,
Camford.

Sundays = awesomeness

No matter how you spin it. This world is insane in most every way.
I have noticed that I get the weirdest looks when I twirl around in a long skirt at church. Apparently that is an uncommon thing in a YSA ward. But let's be honest with ourselves. Twirling in a long skirt is fun, and makes you feel like a kid. There is a reason little girls do it all the time. So I don't see why there would ever be a problem with it.
The other thing I have noticed is after a while people will grow on you. Or you will grow on people... See there is this person in my ward who is older and quiet. And I was informed they are super shy and hard to get to know. Well after months of small conversations and corny jokes you finally have real conversations and can share news with each other without it being too awkward. I am enjoying this relationship/friendship. Nothing may ever come of it but that won't stop me from being all up in there every step of the way.
I love how friendships will develop.
I will write more later, I had a thought and it went away. Something about how awesome friends are, and how weird looks I get from people walking by.. ya know what I will rethink and rewrite.. but time to post. otherwise ill forget.
-cambria

Tis been a while

Well Spring has come. The heat has also come. I always feel like spring is so amazing, yet its unjoyable because of the looming summer that proceedes it. But thats how it happens in Sunny San Diego.
I am however loving San Diego around 6:30pm and until about 7:30pm. Something about that hour is magical. The lighting, the slowness of the day, the way the birds chirp and there are lawn mowers running. Its this magical time that seems to be frozen, and my day dreams come out and I sit in complete happiness just thinking of how awesome life is in my head.
However, life isn't awesome outside my head, so once the sun has set the darkness has fallen and the wind comes out the world creeps back in. Its a pit of unhappiness really.
The music I have been listening to really plays into my insanity. Dixie Chicks nonstop pretty much. Something about those twangy guitar strings, the sound of a tamborene being hit and the twang of the voices. Happiness. Complete Happiness.
This last weekend was awesome beyond words. Started with a choir practice on Friday. Hearing and learning from the AMAZING speakers. Elder Bennett of the 70 and Elder Bednar of the quorum of the 12 apostles. Pretty awesome. Sunday they both talked, along with President Mitchell. So this weeend was full of much enlightenment. Monday was frustrating with FHE, and in general I didn't have a good time. I was bored, and it was dark and cold. And today is Tuesday, so I am bored outta my right mind.
Blahh
got distracted
Byes

Wishlist.. more for myself.

Elephant & amber necklace
http://www.pyramidcollection.com/itemdy00.asp?ID=51,269&GEN1=Jewelry&T1=P15883&dispRow=0&srccode=

Not all Who wander are lost ring (SIZE 8)
http://www.pyramidcollection.com/itemdy00.asp?ID=51,269&GEN1=Jewelry&T1=J61511+6&dispRow=0&srccode=

er... seduction amulet.. haha
http://www.pyramidcollection.com/itemdy00.asp?ID=51,269&GEN1=Jewelry&T1=P15718&dispRow=0&srccode=

ANYTHING MUSTACHEEE
http://www.perpetualkid.com/fingerstache-tattoos.aspx

http://www.perpetualkid.com/mustache-bandages.aspx

HAMBURGER PHONE!!!!
http://www.perpetualkid.com/cheeseburger-phone.aspx

Men crying
http://www.perpetualkid.com/men-crying-magnets.aspx

From OVERSTOCK.COM

Escape to Witch Mountain (THE ORIGINAl.. On DVD)
Midnight Madness
Newsies
Something wicked this way comes
Summer Magic
Tall Tale: The Unbelievable Adventure
The Watcher in the Woods (WALT DISNEY VERSION)
Darby O'Gill and the Little People
Bedknobs and Broomsticks - Enchanted Musical Edition

Any of the Disney classics really ;)

This Last Year in a Nutshell.

My goodness, has it really been a year? 2010 went by so quickly yet so slowly. I have been pretty lame at updating this. I finally got a new journal so most of my ranting is now put back into a book that only I can read. (or if you grab my purse and realize the jackpot you just hit of goodness.. and disturbingness.)
SO in honor of this wonderful passing of a wonderful year, I am going to give a recap of the AWESOME and some of the not so Awesome things that went down this year.

January started off super tame. I am pretty sure I spent New Years over at the Greene Sister's house doing German customs to bring in the new year. One of which was melting metal and throwing it into water to predict the future. Mine came out looking like a lily, or a duck.. I really don't remember what either meant, but it was totally neat.

Feb. Was a dreaded month. But Virginia held a S.A.D picnic. Alex Burman tried to invite missionaries to it. Courtney made a HUGE deal of how inappropriate it was that they missionaries showed up oh and how the game "That's what she said" was such a horrible game.. It was Grand. That was the day Matthew got a Cactus and named him Cheeto.
Also I went to Motorcross for the first time to see Jesse Casillas race.

MARCH!!!!!
WELL beyond always being my FAVORITE month.. March turned out to be better than anything I could've ever expected. The biggest moment of March was my golden birthday. Turning 20 on the 20th. Nothing can beat it. The day started off with me frantically cleaning. And setting up for the paint fight that was to overtake my backyard. Some friends had arrived early to help with filling balloons with paint. IT turned out way messier than intended. (Which says alot!!)After many attempts of filling balloons we opted for throwing water balloons and squirting each other with paint... It was a mercy list act of hiliarity.
Something I would so enjoy doing again. It couldn't have gotten better, except that it did. And well, it seems to me in my life, when things are going good they go great. So I had recieved a phone call while filling balloons, and on the phone was one of the few people I have known for a super long time. He was probably the best Birthday Present I could've asked for.. Heck And the fact that he was out there not knowing it was my birthday, then being there.. made it like 12093819583209483209483209483209times better. There are just some things that make or break a birthday, and this totally made it. However future birthdays may be broken because the expectation is to high for awesomeness.

April... Well i don't remember much about april.. or may, or june... or july.. Well I remember July 4th pretty well. And Parts of June. June was the big Becky fall out. Which I have come to terms with and realize that I have no desire to mend fences. I am fine with Anton, he has attempted to be cordial and friendly, but Becky has done nothing to show me that she was ever a good friend. But moving on..I am attributing it to the fact that I spent those months in a hue part with a guy that I was totally infatuated with. And that Nothing was really worth while happening. 4th of July I went out to Poway and watched Fireworks with said guy. It was lovely. So August, September... Not any Grand moments. Movie nights here and there, making new friends... Nothing Huge However, I should probably confess that I have a love for him like no other. I want to say its not one sided, but it probably is. Nothing will ever come of it, because he lives across the US and by the time I could move out there he will be back in Texas for the Airforce. It blows, but its life. Moving on....

OCTOBER!!!!! October started off with a trip to GENERAL CONFRENCE. 36 people.. 2 vans and a suburban set off from the El Cajon Stake Center in search of Spiritual Enlightenment and Utah. This trip was not an easy one (well... for everyone but me and the bishopric it was smooth sailing) but it had to be done. We had had our miracle and we needed to go. The trip cost us $80 dollars. People got sponsored in a way to go on the trip. For those who wanted to go on the trip but didn't have the money, people donated money annoynomously***. No one was denied. Once in Utah, we had the pleasant suprise of some sister missionaries who were no longer serving in the ward. Its great to see people that you love to death and that only get to visit for a while.
So after the confrence trip the month was filled with ghoulish fun. Lots of costume parties, and movie nights.

So october came and went. November brought thanksgiving, and thanksgiving brought.. well nothing but dead turkeys and stuffing..
December was a semi exciting month...
I went to Idaho and Utah for nearly 2 weeks. it was Great, I went on a group date with some super cool guys and gals in utah. It was one of the best dates I have ever been on, and it was my first GROUP date.

So new years, ended in a bit of drama (not public drama..) and Starting the year off right. With great friends, smiles, and delusional conversations that I am sure took place, but am a bit fuzzy on the details.
.... But all good things come to an end... Now for 2011...